Drunken rambling

Turns out I like to write when drunk. Also know that someone Anthony knew from work somehow came because anthony invited him, nobody else had met him. This is just here for lack of other places to put it. Everyone was trying to sleep and I couldn’t so I wrote and here are the drunken writings of Sunday June 21st:

Tried to kiss Chelsea, you idiot! Listened to rant about how need to save self for marriage, and that we should be better friends. Claimed to have killed 3 grizzly bears, I’m totally awesome! Burnt self with tea a few times. Drank tea at two, no milk, totally hardcore!!!

Random guy is weird, and proves my theory about programmers. Apparently I have a theory about programmers. I also tell awesome drunk stories! Main fact is he says he is attracted to items of the inanimate variety, way odd as he clearly offered to fuck Chelsea a few times.

Must write till battery dies! Serious still up and writing at quarter past, fucking brilliant imo. Sounds like they are talking about Sarah and Chelsea now. Should be sleeping, but sleep is for the weak. I just want another tea, but don’t want to wake weird guy. Considering anyway…. Rate need milk! Still unsure why writing this cept mby in writing mood. Least I can look back and wonder what the duck I was doing!

Ant and Sam sleeping in same bed for second time, gay with or without chick!

Still writing at like 20 past. WTF! Tea may have given me more energy than expected, thank goodness for Iphones spelling correction!!! Peeps will prbly think i’m wack for sleeping on the couch, but must stay away from strange guy. I’m not an inanimate object mother tucker!!!!

Had conversation about nipples, recommended Chelsea not pierce hers. Says she doesn’t care what guys think, but is concerned that they don’t look awesome unerect, makes no sense!
Toilet here takes way too long to flush, somewhat really annoying.<Can’t believe I’m using punctuation at this point! Could I be more awesome? Answer= no!

2:30 now, and feeling tad sick, will regret this tomorrow. Last time I drink in a bit for sure! Wow this is long! That’s what she said lololololol. Omfg horrible. Need to at least write till 3. Eating a throat lozenge and using towel as a blanket, couldn’t be more hardcore if I was fighting off pumas at the same time. I’m not conceited, I’m just better than everyone else, true story!

Categories was reasons Anthony is gay, was hilarious, and went around too many times. Must remind him of how gay we think he is. Answer=a lot! That may not make sense in the morning, but just pretend it does and proceed sober Jim!

2:45 and feeling better. Could be water from tea. Weird guy realllllllly loud sleeper, wish he’d stop breathing.

2:50 and Anthony keeps saying no Sam no! Worrying to the max! No means no sam! Almost at half battery, wonder if it happens before 3. More no sam no! Must remind them about that, especially considering Sam was less drunk the time he was taking his pants off. Still more from them! Crazy cats!

How come no1 calls people cats anymore? Totally not that gay!! Ok fine, maybe it is a tad. I don’t talk weird for goodness fucking sake! Golly!

Reallly want more tea! To turn kettle on or not!? Going with not after much dilliberation. Unsure if thats a word at this point. Must dilleberate on it! Decided it is, but is not spelt like that.

3:00 and still here! More hungry than tired. Going to have a massive mess to clean in the morning. Also expecting to be asked to never stay here again, after being warned twice by the guard, who wanted us to think he was cool. He was not! Dude was all up in my grill like “Oh if you had asked me to keep the spa on I would have let you, but because you didn’t I won’t!” Basic garden variety bastard, who thinks he is core enough for this kitchen.

Speaking of which, fought Sam in one, and caught his kick. Declared awesome by self, and proclaimed it was my black belt skills. Ant embarrassed, clearly need to fight him and prove I have skills for bills that require paying. His mouth is writing checks his body can’t cash!!! I also made a star wars joke, and called the tie a tie fighter. On reflection horrible, and I should ban self from talking.

3:10 now, WTF am I still awake for, although doubt I could sleep with heavy breathing weird guy huffing away in there.

Got blanket at quarter past and getting pins and needles in hand from writing. Should stop, but then we’d have nothing to read and scoff “Ha jim your a moron” at in the morning, and I feel thats important. Should of got pillow, as cushion sucks.

3:20 and feeling soberish. Sleep???

Almost but fridge started making noises. Stopped it at 3:39, I’m somewhat of a hero.

Important thing to remember caught end of conversation between weird guy, and ant, where he was going on about how it would effect ant’s relationship with a friend if that friend made a move on him. Was evident he was wanting to or had already made a move on ant. From now on I do all event inviting, no exception!

Either Sam or Ant are getting lucky, or weird dude and his bed are getting freaky. Not sure what would be more weird at 4:23.

I’m the only one with any energy, so theory: So long without mother means it has a better effect on me + tea = me not sleeping. That or I’m just a better person than everyone else. Battery getting low. Too much noise to fall asleep, I want to kill heavy breathing weird guy at 4:37.

Woken at 5 by ant looking for Sam. Slightly odd! Fridge noise back, no sleep for me I guess. 5:15 and gona chill outside. Outside too cold need pants but don’t want to wake people

Week 1

Like all good stories, this one is about me. Like most good stories, this one starts off with a bang.  Unfortunately that bang happened to be my white Nissan Pulsar, which I had taken the time to polish the day before. As I stood there in the haze that comes from having just woken up, and watched my once shiny car moaning and groaning as the flames dance around it I knew it was a message. Call me paranoid, I don’t care, but when you spend so much of your life being threatened this sort of thing does not really come as a huge surprise. I once wisely said “You can only have so many people want you dead, before somebody tries to fulfill their desires.”

I stood there in my gray boxers with some sort of dancing cactus spouting out some pathetic attempt at humor like boxers often do, emblazoned across them. I gazed through the bedroom window holding back my lime green curtains. It wasn’t with disbelief I was trapped there gazing, but a sense of dread. Eventually I noticed the sickly white envelope taped to the window.  An image of a mask sat gazing back from its perch on the envelope. I sighed and trudged outside into the night, scooping up my mobile phone and hitting the speed dial on my way.

“What the hell are you doing calling me at this hour of the morning! Do you know what time it is?” A female voice demanded of me through the mobile phone.
“A little after three in the morning, but that’s not real important right now.” I replied.
“Sure as hell is important to me!” she retaliated.
“The thing is I may need a lift to work. Someone just blew up my car.” My statement was met with silence on the other end of the line as she obviously struggled to swallow that tidbit of information. I backed away from the flaming wreckage as the wind blew a gust of hot air towards me.
“How do you know it wasn’t an accident?” she asked.
Despite the circumstances I laughed before answering “I will chalk that up to you having just been woken up, but to answer your intensely stupid question cars don’t often just randomly explode by themselves when they are sitting in a driveway doing nothing.”
“Ok I am on my way. Have you called the police?” she answered hurriedly with the sound of clothes rustling in the background.
“Why so they can tell me that it was insurance fraud, and that I did it myself. Actually better if you don’t come over till the morning. I’m being set up.” I muttered as I once again scanned through the letter I had found inside the envelope. I flicked the phone shut silencing her protests.